At 1am this morning, I got out of bed and proceeded to create a fake email address and send my ex-husband a badly written (typed?) email/suicide note.
I am not suicidal.
However, I have narrowed the reasoning behind my seemingly insane act to the following:
A) I am currently in hyper-overdrive PMS mode
B) I'm a horrible person
C) I've finally turned into my mother
D) I'm still too deeply hurt and too emotionally damaged to deal with the fact that he has moved on with his life, has a girlfriend and is by all accounts happy a year after our initial separation while I have continued to struggle with my feelings of failure, the after effects of the emotional and mental abuse I suffered at his hand, and the fact that despite my wanting to explore a healthy relationship with someone new I have not found a man interested in me enough to be anything other than a booty-call
E) All of the above
I'm gonna go with A. Or D. Maybe E.
The thing is, it makes no sense. At least I can't make sense of it. Probably because my brain is to preoccupied being crazy.
I don't want him back. I see the relationship for the unhealthy, destructive thing that it was. I know we are Oil and Water. Gasoline and Fire. Damaged and Even More Damaged. It doesn't work. We never did. We never would.
Even if I was to end my life, I know him well enough to be absolutely sure that he would be upset for about 2.5 seconds. A year ago, I might have gotten 5 seconds but, now? He can't see past his own shit long enough to care about someone else. Especially when they aren't around to bother him any more.
I guess that might be it. I am still angry that I had to feel like he never cared. Almost 8 years of neglect. Apparently, it builds up. I want him to care. Just once. Even now, when I know better than anyone it's never going to happen.
Oh, my. I think I had better get some good sleep, some good R & R this week and re-group. I need some kind of permanent reminder to not be this person. Where is that cricket when you need him?
I can only hope that the ex won't take the email seriously. That he'll dismiss it. 'Cause I'm a shitty liar and if he calls asking about it, I might just admit my temporary moment of insanity. Which will only give him more fuel for his fire.
I can't help but wonder what he tells his girlfriends about how our marriage ended. I bet he's painted me as an evil, raging bitch. The funny thing is, I was never like this when we were together. The pieces of my shattered heart must have floated up into my brain and caused some serious damage.
I'm gonna work on repairing those cracks. I hear Super Glue can hold anything together...
