Who's the worst of them all?
Ever have one of those days where you just can't look at yourself in the mirror? Where just the thought of having to meet your own eyes sends a shiver of disgust down your spine? I've been having more and more of those days...it's starting to become a concern that I've gotten so uncomfortable with the things I've done and the person I am.
I say concern because I don't really feel guilty or horrible about myself, I just know on a logical level that what I'm doing is wrong. And the fact that I can't look at myself. In the past I would have emotionally flogged myself but, now I just can't seem to work up any kind of emotion. I don't feel anymore. It is like someone pumped a gallon of Novocaine into the cavity where my heart used to be. I'm numb.
Except when I think of him. The zing is less powerful, the throb less painful but, they are still there, still alive. But, fading not so fast.
If my tear ducts weren't cemented over by indifference I might cry at the thought of losing even that tiny connection to him.
I know he would be shocked at me these days. I'm certainly not the girl he first met all those years ago. Nor am I the one that he left not so long ago.
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