The most curious thing about divorce is that it doesn't actually kill you. Even though you feel like you are going to die every minute for weeks. Months. Years, even.
When that pain finally starts to subside you are left with a sticky residue on your soul. I call this mess: Uncertainty.
Uncertainty has a sting all its own. Dark and sharp and hazy and powerful all at once. It creeps up on you slowly and then slices through any new ideas or moments of peace so swiftly it steals your breath.
And you suddenly find yourself on a street corner, or standing in a room full of people, or in the middle of a conversation, shaking from head to toe. Stunned at the aching in your soul. Wondering why the hell you are doing whatever it is you may be doing. Wondering who could possibly care about what you've just said.
Yes, Uncertainty will haunt you long after the lonely has passed. After the worry of what to say when someone asks what went wrong has lifted. After the stress of starting over from scratch has become familiar. Uncertainty will be there always. After you meet someone new. After a good job has solidified. After life begins to establish a routine.
You can try to banish it. Fight against it with positive thoughts, encouraging actions, and happy intentions. But, like I said, it is sticky. The goo runs deep into the crooks and cracks of your very being. Some crevices still unhealed by the passage of time. Stinging.
The sting keeps you up at night. Eyes heavy, mind slushy with the repetitive question running on a constant loop; What the fuck am I doing?
So foggy. So confused. So uncertain.
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